FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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