Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
