I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
