How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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