I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
