What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dignity is for republicans.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
