That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
