$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
