it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
