I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
