I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
