Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize