sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize