If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
