Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
