I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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