I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
