You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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