I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
