Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
