I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If its not for food we ain't going out.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
