I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
