If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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