I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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