I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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