well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
