My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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