If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
