U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
