Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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