apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
