I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize