cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
