You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
zippers are such a cool invention
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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