haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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