sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
