why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
