I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
