I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
