Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think my nap took me to another dimension
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
