i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
