Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He kissed a someone with a penis
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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