I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
