that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
