I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
