I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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