I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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