Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
