its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
