I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
