oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
