Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
