Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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