I wish I could punch you in the face.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Betty ford says i'm here all night
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
