I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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