Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
